


Hiraeth

by Mattresssama



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, PTSD, Post S6, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Trauma, Shiro (Voltron)-centric, canon compliant or divergent depending on s7, keith being mature, we'll see
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-02
Updated: 2018-08-02
Packaged: 2019-06-20 13:44:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,705
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15535533
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mattresssama/pseuds/Mattresssama
Summary: Who was he now? Was he the man from before?… Was he the clone?… Both ? Memories remained, all of them, in fact. Memories he didn’t recall making himself, melding two minds in such a way that they left him feeling twisted and distorted to an extent. So he avoided mirrors. Takashi didn’t want to see what he had become. His eyes would surely catch the edge where his face ended and the other began, the edge his fingers would itch to reach for, to pull it off somehow and see what was underneath.  Who was he?





	Hiraeth

  Returning home was a concept he’d only grasped at before. Fingers nicked an burning as he reached for it. A concept… it still was. Waking in a bed colder than the dark side of Kerberos, alone and unfamiliar. Everything smells too new, brisk, assaulting his nose and he’s too hypersensitive to ignore it. In this Galaxy Garrison instated room, home on Earth, he doesn’t feel welcomed or himself. And that idea, the idea of himself… who was he now? His name was Takashi Shirogane on paper, on government record, long thought dead. His teeth grit and his bangs swayed before shut eyes as he shakes his head. Thoughts he never wants to succumb to flooding into his mind. —He might as well be.

  Who was he now? Was he the man from before?… Was he the clone?… Both ? Memories remained, all of them, in fact. Memories he didn’t recall making himself, melding two minds in such a way that they left him feeling twisted and distorted to an extent. So he avoided mirrors. Takashi didn’t want to see what he had become. His eyes would surely catch the edge where his face ended and the other began, the edge his fingers would itch to reach for, to pull it off somehow and see what was underneath. Who was he?

  With a breath permanently caught in his throat, feeling what he could only assume was anxiety, he forced himself out of bed. Time to get up. Have to get dressed, go to therapy, come back and… you know... there wasn’t really anything for him to do just yet. The Garrison didn’t trust him. What with the description of his past… traumas. He knew that had nothing to do with it. The Garrison, Iverson, had not trusted him since they’d seen him with that arm. Shower, coffee,… probably a bad idea but he was tired. The time read eight thirty, he would be a little late but she would understand. She always did.

✘

  The clock ticked, not audibly but he watched it’s arms move, seconds going by. He watched it, anxiously and stupidly hoping it would move just a little faster if he thought at it hard enough.

  “ You don’t want to give him a name? ” That jostled him out of his intense staring. A spike in his chest for a moment; He felt threatened for no good reason, he knew that.

  “ It. ” He said with a curt smile sent to her.

  “ … You don’t want to give it a name. ” It was a corrected statement that had been answered with his previous reaction. No, for pete’s sake, he didn’t want to give it a name. He didn’t want it to be real. He didn’t want it to have any kind of ground to stand on.

  “ Giving it a name won’t hurt, you know. ” Her voice was meant to be soothing but it wasn’t enough for him. Her pen dropped and he gripped his knees. “ Think of it like a diagnosis. For many people, having a name to their disease is a great relief, a tool with which to fight back and overcome it. ”

  A troubled smile and a pleading look in his eyes was sent her way. “ Well… I don’t think I’m ready for that yet. ” _Please, drop it for now_.

  She only twirled her pen, scribbling a few more things down before reaching for her timer as it went off. “ Well, that’s it for today, thank you for coming. Oh and please remember to take your- ” The usual goodbye spiel was drowned out by a loud overwhelming silence in his mind. Not white noise but just the feeling of enough pressure against his ear drums, from the inside, that it shut out everything from the outside world. This numbness was a deep contrast to this morning’s itching skin and burning nostrils.

  “ ― Mr. Shirogane? ” Dark eyes blinked their haze away and he stood. “ Right, sure… Thank you, Doctor Ziegler. ” She seemed apprehensive to let him leave but… his time was up after all.

✘

  His feet dragged him back to the home he’d been given to share with Keith and Krolia. The same one he had woken up in. The same one that made him feel as if he were trying to get comfortable on a bed made of needles. It looked like a typical town home, save for the surveillance cameras on the light post, porch, foyer, entrance hall, kitchen, and living room. ‘ _Security measures_ ’ They said.

  The lights were on and there was quite a bit of commotion radiating from the door as he walked up to the porch. Upon entering, he was greeted with the bustling noise of his teammates and friends. Hugs and smiles were exchanged as he walked in through the hall towards the kitchen, curious about what they were doing there. He wondered, pensively, if he looked tired… worn out by some of their expressions. Their touches lingered on him as if he would fall if they let him go. That worried, huh? In the back of his mind, so was he.

  A mop of dark hair caught his attention, Keith; Sigh of relief leaving him, a symptom of his tribulations. In everything he had seen, everything he had gone through since returning to Earth and becoming a Paladin, Keith had been the one constant. The man had become Shiro’s rock and he wasn’t even sure Keith knew it or not. Shiro walked towards the man and into the kitchen. He took a plate in hand and decided to have a slice of pizza, graciously provided by the Holt family; Who were taking up quite a bit of the dinner table to play scrabble. A game of scrabble that no one else in the room but Hunk dared to join in on.

  Leaning against the counter, he took a bite of his slice. “ Didn’t think you were the type to throw parties. ” Keith sent him a smirk as he took a sip from his cup before retorting. “ _Right_ , I did this, me. Not Lance. Lance would never… you know. Throw a party. ” Shiro watched amused as Lance went off from across the living room about how grateful they should be he got everything together for tonight. Inviting everyone and ordering all the take out.

  “ Jeez, you make it sound like it’s a cocktail party. ” Shiro teased and Lance looked at him with a simple smile, not saying anything. That caught him off guard, raising an eyebrow, and looking back to Keith for some sort of answer. Keith tilted his head to the side, looking into his cup and slowly shaking his head. “ This isn’t everyone who was invited, Shiro. ”

  That… was not what he was expecting. Everyone was here, Lance, Hunk, Pidge, her family, Krolia, Coran, Allura... Who else— ? “ Lance invited his sisters and brother over since they study and work nearby, Hunk and Matt invited old schoolmates from the Garrison and uh... so did I. D’you remember James? ” Shiro crossed his arms, pizza still in hand and brows knit as he mulled it over. James?... Jam- Oh. “ James, the kid you punched twice for mouthing off to you?… That James? ” Keith nodded and Shiro’s eyebrows shot up in mild curiosity, leaning towards Keith all Gatsby-esque. “ You two kiss and make up? ” That earned him a smack on the shoulder from Keith but he was laughing nonetheless.

  The other just shook his head at him. “ He wants to be friends, he said he regrets what he said back then. ” Keith shoved Shiro’s shoulder playfully when Shiro took a very,  _very_ slow bite of his pizza, staring at him unblinking as if he didn't believe Keith. “ You should be proud, I’m being mature! ” He simply tried to swallow before chuckling, lest he choke on pepperoni and cheese. Shiro shared an amused look with Keith before their laughter died down and he took another sip of his drink. However, when the man dropped his hand and looked away, his expression changed. Keith looked smaller, just slightly, as if trying to hide something. With a small peak over to Shiro, he noticed the white haired man looking at him still and Shiro knew then that Keith had more to say. He didn't think of how unprepared he would be... what Keith said made the world disappear around them.

  “ I… I got into contact with Adam. ” He had to process that a few times... because... what ? Since he arrived on Earth, Shiro had been avoided this, avoided  _him_. And with good reason. He didn’t think it mattered anymore, he didn’t think Adam would care, and most of all, he didn’t think Keith would care. What would come of it ? Adam had made his decision very clear to Shiro and that was that. There was nothing more to be said… so what would seeing Adam accomplish ? What was there to talk about, to say, to even look for when it came to Adam ? For Shiro, it had all been said and done when he put on that suit and flew himself into outer space for 5 months.

  “ And ? ” Was all he could get out, setting his plate down on the counter he was leaned against. Keith obviously saw the tension that had built up in a matter of seconds, giving Shiro a contemplative glance before saying anything. “ He wants to talk to you. He said there were a lot of things left unsaid. That you guys had some stuff to work out. ” Keith slowly came to a pause, worried eyes looking back and forth between Shiro’s. He had no idea what his face was doing but it must have been causing Keith to think a mile a minute. Their eyes set on each other like this, Shiro could feel the sidelong glances being sent their way and bit the inside of his cheek when Keith’s brows set, **determined**. “ You should talk to him. ” There was a pang in his chest and a gust of... some sort of force that swept past him, taking something with it. He had to hold back the laugh that bubbled in his chest, one that came from a place of dread but would've been completely mirthful in. Keith was being mature, huh?

**Author's Note:**

> THIS ISN'T BETA READ BTW. If you'd like to be my Beta reader for this pls <3 hmu
> 
> So... I have no super detailed plan for this fic yet but I do have a general idea of what I'd like to happen. It's probably going to be shorter than 40k.... probably... like I said, idk yet. This is just my foot in the water. Let me know what you think. You can contact me on my tumblr about it if you like: 
> 
> http://shiropleaseiloveyou.tumblr.com/
> 
> I know, that url, im disgosting :D


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